What are the most common relationship deal breakers, according to men? We asked psychologists, relationship experts and single guys to weigh in.
31 Relationship Deal Breakers for Men You’ll Want to Know
Updated on Apr. 24, 2024
Deal-breaking relationship habits
Falling in love is easy, right? You make eye contact across a crowded room, and you’re drawn to each other like magnets until … oh, wait, this isn’t Hollywood. In the real world, the falling part is pretty easy. The love part, however, is anything but—especially when it comes to building a healthy relationship. Relationships take a lot of work, and part of that is knowing what your relationship deal breakers are, the limits or boundaries that are so important to you that the relationship will end if any of them are crossed.
This isn’t just about a lack of chemistry or getting annoyed with your partner’s quirks. “This is about knowing what your boundaries are and what you are and are not willing to tolerate in a relationship,” says Sanam Hafeez, PsyD, a neuropsychologist and faculty member at Columbia University in New York City. “Most people can tell within one to three dates if there is future potential.”
Some deal breakers may sound harsh, but having boundaries and enforcing them isn’t mean. In fact, it’s one of the signs of a healthy relationship, Hafeez says. There are a lot of deal breakers in a relationship that overlap between genders, but there are some that men may be more likely to emphasize. We asked Hafeez and eight other relationship experts, plus 10 single men, to share which habits or traits men specifically flag as nonstarters in relationships. Ahead, find out everything you need to know about the most common relationship deal breakers for men.
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About the experts
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Phubbing
Have you heard of phubbing? It’s the act of snubbing someone you’re with—often a companion or partner—in favor of your phone. Research has shown that it can sow feelings of distrust and ostracism in relationships. In fact, a recent study in Computers in Human Behavior linked higher levels of phubbing to marital dissatisfaction.
“The top relationship deal breakers often boil down to a lack of respect for the other person, and nothing is more disrespectful than having your phone out and checking it constantly while someone sits right in front of you,” Hafeez says. This rude conversation habit shows that you’re not interested in the other person or are so addicted to your phone that it will chronically be a problem in the relationship. “Put your phone in your purse or pocket during a date,” she says.
Lying
In dating, what’s one of the top traits men (and women) avoid like the plague? Dishonesty. It’s a broad term, but any kind of dishonesty should be an immediate deal breaker, says New York–based psychotherapist Melissa Divaris Thompson. That includes lying, failing to disclose something or concealing anything else on this list of deal breakers. Both men and women seem particularly sensitive to lies about age and marital status—trust plays a pivotal role here.
According to single model, actor and entrepreneur Devon Ryan, who’s speaking on behalf of himself and his single friends, “men seek a woman they can trust, since they will be investing their time, energy and money into them. If a woman tells even a small lie, it signals to a man that they are capable of lying to them, which increases the woman’s risk profile.”
Not responding
“This is a generation where people are glued to their phones,” says single photographer and model Michael Freeby. “If I can’t get an answer to my texts or call within a few hours, I’m going to assume we’re done.”
And that brings up ghosting, which is when someone you believe cares about you ceases contact without any explanation—no phone call, text or email. It’s not new, but it’s attracted quite a bit of attention with the advent of dating apps and technology, which make it easy to stay in contact—and clear there’s a problem when you don’t.
“Few things are more confusing and potentially damaging than just disappearing, especially after several dates,” says Santiago Delboy, LCSW, a psychotherapist in Chicago. In this day and age, if you drop out of sight or fail to respond, your date will likely assume you’re ghosting.
Seeking attention on social media
“It can be off-putting if a woman spends inordinate amounts of time on social media,” says single dad Michael, “particularly if it involves posting numerous selfies and frequently changing her profile pic.” The problem with this sort of behavior is that it spells “attention-seeking,” as well as, potentially, narcissism, worries Michael. And that is a relationship deal breaker for him and many of the single men we spoke with.
“When a woman takes selfies compulsively, it diminishes my view of her intelligence and maturity (especially the duck face),” says Ryan.
Constant criticizing
“No one likes to be talked down to or belittled,” says Gutsy Geeks dating coach Rami Naseir. “If you’re into that, don’t expect him to stick around for long.” If the purpose of constructive criticism is to get a man to change something about himself, it’s wasted breath, Naseir says.
Keep in mind that criticism is not always connected to wanting someone to change, says Carla Manly, PhD, a clinical psychologist and relationship expert. “Although changing a person may be the goal of some forms of criticism, it can also be a sign of an overly critical or bullying mindset,” she explains. “Certain personality types are also highly sensitive to criticism, particularly those on the narcissistic spectrum or those suffering from anxiety or depression.” With that in mind, context is truly important when evaluating the effects of criticism on a relationship. But, according to Manly, research does show that criticism fosters distancing in relationships.
Aiming for different goals
Having incompatible life goals can be a problem. Building separate lives based on entirely separate interests is not a good way to go, says Tom Kearns, LMSW, a licensed mental-health counselor based in New York. Of course it’s all right to have differing opinions, but make sure that when it comes to life goals, you’re more or less on the same page. “Differences in beliefs are OK to some extent,” says psychotherapist Jesse D. Matthews, PsyD, “but in the long run, big differences in values are going to be a deal breaker.”
Spending too little (or too much) time on physical appearance
Few men will cop to the truth, fearing it makes them look shallow, but a lot of that initial spark is about physical attraction. All genders have certain physical characteristics they prefer, and this isn’t a bad thing (unless it’s the only thing they care about), Hafeez says. To get the real story we asked two matchmakers to reveal what their male clients prioritize when it comes to matters of appearance:
- Age: According to Chicago matchmaker Stefanie Safran, the men she works with are often interested in younger women (or those who look younger), whether it’s a few years or more.
- Physical health: Janell, a matchmaker who founded Elite Dating Managers, tells Reader’s Digest that 90% of her male clients call body shape a deal breaker. It’s not necessarily as much about weight as it is about being fit and healthy. “They want a woman in good physical shape,” she says. Safran concurs: “Men want women who work out, eat healthily and generally take care of themselves.”
- Hair and style: It’s a stereotype that men prefer long hair. In reality, men have many different tastes. What most straight men have in common, according to our matchmaker experts, is preferring a woman who looks clean and put together. This doesn’t mean they prefer fashion experts, but rather that they are looking for someone who takes care of their appearance.
At the same time, Safran also notes that men consider “being high-maintenance” to be a dating deal breaker. “They want someone who spends some time getting ready, not hours and hours.”
Being a picky eater
When it comes to building relationships and community, food can be a love language. And for some men, sharing a good meal is a big part of the dating experience. So if he’s a foodie and his significant other only wants burgers and fries, chances are the relationship will be strained, says dating coach Damona Hoffman. Plus, she says that being a picky eater can indicate you’re particular in other ways too. “You don’t want to give the impression that you are too rigid to date.”
Smoking
As most non-smokers will tell you, this dangerous habit is one of the biggest relationship deal breakers. “With all that we know about smoking’s harmful effects, there’s no reason a woman needs to light up,” says Wayne Rodgers, a writer who specializes in relationships and other issues that affect men.
“It’s amazing to see how many people agree to date a smoker with the hopes of getting them to quit,” notes Concepcion. “They tolerate bad breath and secondhand smoke just to be in a relationship. It’s a waste of time, bad for your health and starts the relationship off with the need for someone to break a habit. Make it a deal breaker, and move on!”
Excessive partying or drug use
Party girls need not apply, say the single men we spoke with. “I’ve learned that no matter how open-minded you are, if you let people who have toxic addictions into your life, you’re inviting a lot of other issues as well,” says Freeby.
“A woman who still wants to party (and not spend time at home), is clubbing every night and worrying only about the next party can be too much,” says Kearns. “If a movie night at home is a deal breaker for her, then that’s a deal breaker.”
Practicing poor personal hygiene
Yeah, this is one of the relationship deal breakers that crosses genders. “I want to be able to hug, kiss and hold hands without wondering how much bleach I’ll have to use on my next laundry cycle,” jokes Freeby.
But the sentiment is no laughing matter. According to Nick Fresolone, a divorced dad in New Jersey, hygiene is crucial for him. “Good teeth are important, as are clean fingernails,” he says. “In fact, I consider those non-negotiable.”
Playing hard to get
Please don’t play games, say the single men we spoke with. “I’m trying to go to lunch, not on an Indiana Jones adventure to unlock the secrets of some tombstone,” Freeby says. “We like a challenge, but if a woman plays hard to get, it’s a deal breaker.”
Cheating
Some people are up for monogamy, and some aren’t. That’s OK—as long as you’re honest about it. Cheating, on the other hand, is one of the top deal breakers for the men we spoke with. “If I commit myself to you and believe monogamy is important to growing our relationship, then I expect the same from you,” says Matthews. Anything less would be a deal breaker.
Having differing family-planning goals
As more and more people choose to stay child-free, the conversation about family should come up early in the relationship. Kids aren’t something on which to compromise, and both people in the relationship should be in agreement about whether or not to have kids, say our experts.
“Where you stand on parenting is a very important thing to clarify in a preliminary phone call before even going on the date,” says Concepcion. “If you don’t want kids and the person has two children, this is important to learn about quickly.”
Failing to give enough space
No matter your gender, alone time is vital. It’s critical for growth and development and can lead to improved relationships. “Men need man-time at least once a week,” says Naseir. “I’m talking about leaving us alone to watch television, read or do nothing at all.” If your partner can’t offer that space, it can lead to problems and may be a relationship deal breaker.
Not showing affection
If a woman shows no affection at all (not sexual affection, but rather, general physical warmth), it’s a total deal breaker for divorced dad Fresolone. “Hand-holding and cuddling are important,” he says. “I don’t want to date a woman who’s cold.”
Constantly being negative
“No one likes a neganator,” says single 40-something Ari (not his real name). This comes up a lot in online dating. “If your profile leads with the things you hate about men or what has frustrated you about online dating—before you even mention your positive qualities—you won’t make the cut even for a first date,” says dating coach Hoffman.
People who are constantly pessimistic bring down the mood and can be damaging for your own mental health. And keep in mind that another way people express negativity is by speaking ill of others. “There’s no one less attractive in any given room than the person who feels the need to put others down,” Freeby says.
Being racist
Single New Yorker William (not his real name) has no tolerance for intolerant women. Since William is a Black man, one might assume that any woman he’s dating is not racist. Not true. “I’ve dated women who are fine with Black guys but dislike Hispanic or Jewish people.” And for William, any intolerance—whether racial, religious or otherwise—is a deal breaker.
Expecting a mind reader
If you expect your date to be a mind reader, you’re not only going to be disappointed—you’ll also likely end up getting dumped. Naseir wants every woman to know: “Men don’t read minds. If you’re unhappy about something and don’t say so, don’t expect it to magically be fixed.”
Naseir also suggests added communication if you think you’re holding a grudge. “If we cross a line, you need to tell us,” he says. “If we apologize, you need accept it. If you get your apology but still carry venom, that’s a deal breaker.”
Always making assumptions
Whether your partner is actually a mind reader or just thinks she is, it can be an issue, says 30-something single guy Finn. “After this woman told me she was a mind reader, I couldn’t help but wonder if she knew in advance that we wouldn’t be going out again,” he jokes.
On a more serious note, Delboy points out that “when women make assumptions about the motivations behind a man’s actions, it can get old real quick. While you might be correct, it would be a lot better to simply ask.”
Making assumptions interferes with our ability to understand and connect with others, says Manly. “Especially in new relationships, people may make assumptions based on personality or out of fear,” she explains. “As such, an assumption can indicate a chronic toxic pattern, or it might be an indicator of dating or relationship anxiety.”
Having overbearing friends
Two is a couple, three is a crowd, and a whole group is … not a relationship. For significant others, tight-knit friend groups can be a major benefit, as long as they don’t get in the middle of the relationship. According to William, a single New Yorker, a woman makes the choice to allow her friends to be overbearing. And if she allows them into every facet of her life—and to make her decisions for her—he says, it’s a deal breaker. Some friendships aren’t good for either party or their significant others.
Having incompatible politics
Politics are more polarizing than ever, and not seeing eye-to-eye on political issues can kill the mood, say our experts. “My main deal breaker for the first few dates is when a woman talks [only] about politics,” says single guy Sterling Graham. “Some is fine, but if it’s the main focus for each conversation, I usually end it.”
Having rigid views for or against alcohol
For most people past their college years, drinking too much is a turnoff. Similarly, people who enjoy a drink may be less willing to date a teetotaler. The key is to find someone whose drinking style is in sync with yours. “I like to have a drink every once in a while,” says single man Gene Caballero. “Although I’ve tried dating women who don’t drink, I find it makes me feel uncomfortable if they are not having as good a time as I am.”
Having a messy car
According to Concepcion, having a car that’s in shambles is a deal breaker for her clients. “There’s nothing more unappealing than empty water bottles, wrappers, papers, pens and other unnecessary junk cluttering up the seats and floors,” she says. “Whether it’s a Mercedes or a Kia, clean it up and take pride in your ride.”
Having bad bathroom manners
Having good hygiene—showered, deodorant on, teeth brushed—is a must for all genders. But there is one hygiene issue that is unique to women that some men find very unattractive. Ryan, the single model, actor and entrepreneur, got quite frank with us about bad manners in the bathroom. While admitting that men should always put the toilet seat down, he also said that it’s a deal breaker if a woman can’t be bothered to wrap up her used tampon in tissue paper.
Being financially illiterate
According to single psychologist Matthews, if a man is responsible with his money, it’s going to be a deal breaker if the person he is dating carries a huge amount of debt, doesn’t pay their bills, overspends or is otherwise not financially responsible.
Loving pets—or not
Animal people tend to attract other animal people, but it’s good to remember that some people just don’t like pets. Whether they have a phobia, an allergy or some other reason, this likely isn’t something you’ll be able to compromise on. And for single New Yorker William, “after two cats, it’s a deal breaker.”
Not communicating via text
“Texting is a crucial part of pre- and post-date flirtation today,” says Hoffman. And it’s true no matter the age group. “If you’re not good at keeping up a conversation over text or you simply refuse to text, you are limiting your chances with modern men.”
Getting involved in drama
Being overly dramatic in any relationship, whether it’s with a partner, friends or family, is going to be a deal breaker, says Matthews. Likewise, if there’s too much drama in their life, whether from family members or an ex, it’s exhausting. “No quality guy has time or energy for that,” he says.
Being rude to service professionals
Good etiquette requires kindness, especially to service professionals. Who wants to date someone who’s rude to the waitstaff? “How you treat people in the service industry speaks volumes about your character,” says Robert (not his real name), a single guy from Portland. If this behavior emerges on a first date, it’s a relationship deal breaker that will ensure there isn’t a second.
Having a dull personality
Intelligence is a turn-on for most people—and if a guy doesn’t want a smart woman, then that’s its own red flag, says Hafeez. “A man enjoys someone to volley with him on ideas,” adds Kearns. “The play is the thing! To simply agree or not have their own view is boring.” Likewise, says Matthews, it’s unattractive for someone to be inconsistent or wishy-washy.
One thing to note: Being dull is not a fixed concept. “What one person finds dull may be highly attractive to another person,” says Manly. “And what one person finds fascinating may be dull—or overbearing—to another person. The key is to focus on finding a partner whose personality is similar to yours. Research shows that partner similarity—in personality and goals—is a key to relationship satisfaction.”
Why trust us
For more than 100 years, Reader’s Digest has explored the nuances of relationships, working with such luminaries as Dr. Ruth Westheimer, John Gottman, PhD, and Leo Buscaglia (“Dr. Love”). We ran a decade-long relationships column and have published a compendium of features, Love and Marriage: The Reader’s Digest Guide to Intimate Relationships. For this piece on relationship deal breakers, Lauren Cahn tapped her more than 20 years of reporting on lifestyle and relationship topics, and then Carla Manly, PhD, a clinical psychologist and relationship expert, gave it a rigorous review to ensure that all information is accurate and offers the best possible advice to readers. We support this information with credentialed experts and primary sources such as government and professional organizations, peer-reviewed journals and our writers’ personal experience where it enhances the topic. We verify all facts and data and revisit them over time to ensure they remain accurate and up to date. Read more about our team, our contributors and our editorial policies.
Sources:
- Sanam Hafeez, PsyD, neuropsychologist and faculty member at Columbia University; phone interview, April 5, 2024
- Jesse D. Matthews, PsyD, psychotherapist; interview, 2018
- Melissa Divaris Thompson, LMFT, marriage and family therapist and founder of Embracing Joy Psychotherapy; interview, 2018
- Tom Kearns, LMSW, licensed mental-health counselor; interview, 2018
- Lisa Concepcion, certified professional life coach and dating and relationship expert; interview, 2018
- Stefanie Safran, Chicago matchmaker; interview, 2018
- Janell, matchmaker and founder of Elite Dating Managers; interview, 2018
- Damona Hoffman, dating coach; interview, 2018
- Santiago Delboy, MBA, LCSW, psychotherapist; interview, 2018
- Rami Naseir, dating coach at Gutsy Geeks; interview, 2018
- Computers in Human Behavior: “The mediator role of effective communication skills on the relationship between phubbing tendencies and marriage satisfaction in married individuals”
- Interpersonal Relations and Group Concepts: “Similarity, Convergence, and Relationship Satisfaction in Dating and Married Couples”
